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If you find me online, tell me to go do something constructive, will you? Thanks.
 
 
 
 

Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Algiers Point Pa's 4th Draft (Script 4)

4.7 stars
(3)
24 01/24/11

Algiers Point Pa's 3rd Draft (Script 3)

5.0 stars
(3)
10 01/19/11

Algiers Point Pa's 2nd Draft (Script 2)

5.0 stars
(1)
5 01/18/11

Goodbye, Cochise Pa's 3rd Draft (Script 3)

5.0 stars
(2)
13 12/30/10

Algiers Point Pa's Original Draft (Script 1)

4.3 stars
(3)
16 12/04/10

Goodbye, Cochise Pa's 2nd Draft (Script 2)

5.0 stars
(3)
12 12/03/10

Goodbye, Cochise Pa's Original Draft (Script 1)

5.0 stars
(2)
15 11/18/10

About

I write screenplays and short fiction.

I grew up in and around New Orleans and that's where much of my work is set.


A few other screenplays I've written:

Exile
Co-written with Mark Hirschfield
[Drama]
The Oedipus story in modern times. Set in small town Mississippi just east of Natchez.

Goodbye, Bayou
[Drama]
Seventeen year old Izzie's love for her father, Hack, was tested when he went to jail for the death of her mother. Now she's torn between two boys who both love her -- One who believes Hack is innocent, and one who reminds her of her father. Set near the Honey Island Swamp, northeast of New Orleans.

The Evil Eye of Fascinatio
[Suspense-Drama]
When Karilee Kendall's father is shot, reporter Paris LeBeouf gets involved in an odyssey that takes the two of them into the dark alleys and murky bayous of a city on the make. Set in and around New Orleans.


 

Reviews Pa Has Written

The Pinstriped Primates, K's Original Draft

1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Love the title! Love the characters! Love the dialogue!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
May 24, 2011
This screenplay is witty, heart-warming, and hilarious. I can’t imagine a kid anywhere who wouldn’t love the characters and the story.

My first impression of Arno: His communication is awesome!

I’m not citing any of the really funny, clever stuff in this review because I don’t want to spoil the next reviewer’s fun – but Mother Ugly is a heck of a funny character.

Plenty of clever, witty dialogue. The ending might be just a little flat because we know they have to face the bad guys, but they don’t seem to remember that. I wondered if they took the initiative and found the bad guys, themselves, and solved the problem in a proactive way, rather than waiting and then reacting. I think you could make it very funny and exciting, just as the rest of the story is. Instead of a fight, something clever to match the story you already have – possibly setting the bad guys up to be arrested, then watching as the cops take them away??

Title: In the beginning it mentions the pinstripes down the back of Arno, but by the end, I’m suddenly reminded that the pinstripe idea didn’t come back later in such a way as to make the title important. I like the title and think it could be tied more into the story. I’m wondering what the significance of the pinstripes is – and wondering if it’s just me who’s not getting it, yet. What purpose in the story do the pinstripes play? As a title, it’s terrific, so I’d like to see it play a bigger part. In fact, you could even drop the pinstripes and still have some great choices for titles that play on the word, Neanderthal, possibly.

A few typos coming by email.

Hey, I’m seeing Primate dolls from this!
 

Bad Spirit, James C.'s 2nd Draft

1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Perfect ending!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
April 19, 2011
I love/hate the way this ended. It's scary. You've improved the ending quite a bit. In fact, it's very good. I sent you a few typos by email.

p 56:
When Badru explains to Joan what's really happening inside Jeremy, it's awesome. It's almost a great relief. My confidence and sympathy for Jeremy soars, but also, now I'm worried about what could happen to Joan when the spirit is gone.

I don't know if I mentioned this on the first review, but suddenly it comes to me that Jacques and Badru are such unique and fascinating character that I think it might be very good to put their characters much earlier than page 49. It's just an idea and may be worthless, but up to this point we have ordinary people experiencing extraordinary trauma, and what is there is very good. I just thought if you could take such wonderful characters as these two and weave them more into the story from early on, it would ramp up the suspense in the first half some. Not that the family would know them necessarily, but they may have seen them, and we get to see them, too. We'd know if they were there that they were important and we'd want to see how they become important later on. If I mentioned this last review, please ignore. It's an idea that isn't really critical, I'm sure. Just something I thought when I encountered them again - that I'd like to see them earlier.

You have an outstanding screenplay. I hope someone picks up on it, soon.
 

Inferno, TMAC 's 2nd Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Holy Moly! I had to remind myself I'm a big girl so I could sleep after reading this last night.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
March 01, 2011
This site was having problems when I downloaded the latest version dated 2/28 and, in fact, it gave me an earlier version somehow. So I reviewed the wrong version. So I'm deleting my review and will get the latest version and review again. 3/2/11
Patsy

Below is the review for the version uploaded 02/28/11:

YOU WON'T WANT TO READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SCREENPLAY YET. FILLED WITH SPOILERS

This new intro with Dante and Beatrice playing in the snow does help me see why Dante would make the choice he does at the end. As it was before, the most important thing about her to me was that she was a willful teenager who disobeyed her parents and was headed down a very bad road. Not a person we’d want someone to doom themselves to everlasting punishment for.

In fact, this is so critical to our accepting his final decision that I’d suggest even more later on it, if only short mental anguish where possibly he’s dreaming that she’s a small child still and is sliding off into hell and screaming for him to save her. This would be his own mind playing tricks on him, but it might be effective in setting the stage for his final decision.

Since his choice comes down to two possible outcomes, both urgent and both should be worthy, I’m not sure leaving us with the impression that Maria and the child aren’t worthy is the best way. We have to feel the anguish that he feels as he knows he’s going to doom one worthy person in order to save another worthy person. What a tough situation, but a fascinating one, as well.

The last foreshadowing of an encapsulated paradise with Maria and the child doesn’t really make me think he’s being offered anything worth letting Beatrice go to hell for. Part of that is because Maria turned on him in the prior scene and became an evil, selfish person (or so it seems to me), and B.L. makes it clear to Dante that eternal life in a make-believe paradise alone with just Maria and the son is just a fake thing (not to mention that, to me, the idea of eternity in a paradise with just two people and nothing else sounds like another form of hell). So in two ways, the choice for a life with Maria is something I can’t ‘feel’ is good or desirable. For some reason, I need to really really WANT him to stay with Maria and the baby… yet, I don’t. So if he chose that option, I’d be… disappointed (to put it mildly).

The point is I would be cheering for Beatrice, which also means Dante can go back to the real world – nothing bad about that, except he can’t change what he caused to happen to Maria and the baby. He’ll always live with regret.

How do you want the audience to feel as the last scene happens? Should they sit there, stunned, realizing the awesome impact of his decision? Should they say NO!!!! It can’t end like this? Or should they be relieved that he didn’t make an unwise choice that will trap him forever in a bubble, and send Beatrice to hell?

Next scene, the homeless man. I like the loss of the whiskey in the story for… the homeless man. Unless we think He has a great sense of humor, however this isn’t a comedy, so good job in changing it.

Next scene, Tania and Dante at the hospital: I like this! I like that Beatrice is near death and that Tania (good name change) isn’t just the ordinary good mom. This adds a lot to the story. What I’m feeling in the scene is that she has no right to complain, but that he is a bit too unforgiving, since it has been six months that she has been straight. He seems too judgmental. Not that he hasn’t had reason to be.

Tania’s collapsing in tears somehow didn’t reach my heart. But, if she went into B’s room, looked at her, then slid down the wall in grief and regret and hopelessness, that would really grab me. But do I really need to care about Tania? I’m not sure.

Next scene: The three characters in the park when Dante walks by – that’s good. But again, as I said earlier, I still feel this puts a sort of fantasy feel into the story for people to look enough like animals to see it well. If there were a way to show people seeing them and assuming they’re in masquerade from a party, it would take on a more real feeling. Just one quick image I had… Dante walking down the sidewalk past them, noticing them, and shaking his head, then passing another bystander who also looks at them, and the other person says, “Kids, these days! Always costumed up… weird!” But that may not be what others think. I’m just trying to explain how I’d feel sitting in an audience watching the scene. I would be thinking, in real life, people who see them will be frightened by them. Unless it can be done to where they appear normal. I’m just not seeing it yet and that’s probably just me. If they can’t be done up to look human, but up close possibly have animal features? I don’t know.

Next scene: Confessional – This dialogue seems too expository to me.

DANTE
It’s Beatrice. She overdosed a few nights ago and fell into a coma.

FATHER THOMAS
You’ve been like a father to her, Dante, everyone knows that. Sometimes we just need to accept God’s will.

It seems like it could be done another way.

DANTE
It’s Beatrice. She overdosed. She’s in a coma.

FATHER THOMAS
Pray for her, Dante. As you always have.

DANTE
And what good has that done?

FATHER THOMAS
Sometimes you just have to accept God’s will. A father -- and that’s what you’ve been to her -- has to put his children in God’s hands. Love them, take care of them, but she’s God’s child, too. Trust Him.


I like the way this is going. Dante is not a priest. Good. That makes him more accessible to ordinary people.


I'm not sure about this part. He’s had a ‘past’ with Virgil, now. That’s fine, but it came so sudden in this scene. I think it all could be set up in the scene with Father Thomas.

DANTE
She’s headed for hell, and there’s nothing I can do! She won’t listen to me.

FATHER THOMAS
Talk to God about it.

DANTE
I talk to God and feel nothing. The demons of hell are more familiar to me. They torture my thoughts day and night. I’d rather see myself in hell than to see Beatrice there. She’s just a child… If only I could trade my own soul for hers!

The scene ends on that note, and he walks dejected down the aisle of the church.

Then we’re set up for Virgil and the three characters from hell.

Please forgive if this doesn’t work. I’m just brainstorming to try to make it work for me. Others may totally disagree.

But overall, so far, I really like this difference. I wasn’t happy with the hospital scene with Mary. So it’s great to see you taking a different path with it now. Anything I say is just picky stuff, going strictly on how I ‘feel’ as I try to envision the scenes.

“The bizarre trio slinks off. With each step away from the church their appearance and movements become more human.” Wonderful. Good.

And very good dialogue with Virgil on the way down to the station.

Super! On the train I kept thinking, Dante should throw up or something. Then you had him faint. That’s cool.

Very witty and good conversations with Minos.

Good, the scene in the restaurant with Maria and Dante.


Very good: “Dante turns sideways to slide through an opening between two trees which block the bridge’s exit. “


I’m sorry but the ‘suits’ in hell, forever stuck in meetings, made me laugh. YES! I knew I was in hell all along. No audience is going to sympathize with them. :) It IS what they make it. But that’s okay.


--“ Pushed up against the plastic dividing the room from the elevator are stacks of people of different faiths.” How would you show this? Catholic nun or priest… easy. Quaker? Maybe one in choir robe? Oh, perhaps you could show a man in a suit holding a Bible for the protestant religion? Be funny to see a preacher in the river baptizing someone – but it doesn’t fit the situation. Holiness speaking in tongues?

I’m back on that problem of the audience knowing for sure what each scene represents. The sign on the wall, the map, as they went into the Dis tower, isn’t something they’re going to remember and put with the scenes. Too far apart. But the old elevators sometimes had signs painted on the walls in front of them. Inside the elevator shaft. As the elevator moved down, the signs just above the doorways on each floor would have the floor number. In this case it could have the title as well… GRAFTERS, HYPOCRITES, MONEY CHANGERS… and so on.

I confess, I can’t quite figure out why grafters would be swimming in a pool of tar. I hate to admit it because it’s probably my own brain not making the connection. GRAFTER: The practice of offering something (usually money) in order to gain an illicit advantage. I just can’t put it together. Hope it’s just me.

Very interesting who Virgil turns out to be.

Just a little twinge of thought when Virgil says it’s just to get one day out of hell, then I realized he had gone to get Dante and he was outside then, too. Not sure why but it seemed like something important that he actually would get two trips out in this whole process.

Very different ending. Not as agonizing, but follows the epic poem and its old world meaning of Divine Comedy. You left out the dilemma of Virgil getting a day outside -- whether he got it or not. Now, I’ll always wonder. But I can assume he didn’t get it. Not that it matters. What’s one day in infinity?

I must say, reading this screenplay three times was fun - which is a surprise. The first version was awesome, imo. This version is even more awesome. I wish each of you the best of luck with this screenplay.
 

EARTH SHAKER, Richard's 3rd Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

A cool “NOT-a-Zombie movie” zombie-like movie!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
February 25, 2011
I really like the switch from White House and takeover plans to the Smithsonian. And I thought about how Hollywood seems to be going crazy for zombie movies, that this, while not a Zombie movie, has all the elements of a Zombie movie, and should be just as popular.

My favorite line in this version: “We're cut from the same hunk of baloney.”
 

All-American Joe, James C.'s Original Draft

1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Beautiful story! Lots of heart and humor and great characters!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
February 17, 2011
I don’t want to spoil anything for the next reader so I’m not going to say all the things I loved about this story. I’m putting my review in a private message. A few typos. Great characters and dialogue. That’s all I’m saying.

People who want to read a fun and endearing romantic comedy with a twist of fantasy, this one’s for you.
 

Favorite Movies

True Romance
Stand By Me
The Road
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
Beyond Rangoon
Klute
The Man With the Golden Arm
Slingblade
 

Influences

I'm partial to Tarrantino and Billy Bob Thornton movies, but my stories are most inspired by my own experiences and environment and history.

I don't try to write something just because it is more likely to sell. I write movies I want to see.
 

Following

22 People