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America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String J.M.'s 1st Draft (Script 58)

No rating
18 01/30/12


I am an award-winning playwright (First Prize/Karsh Gold Medal winner in a National Playwright Competition for a comedy "Sportscar"). I have written, workshopped and produced comedy plays. I have taken courses at the American Film Institute.

I love comedy. I have a few scripts in development through my company, Sportscar Projects.

Hope you enjoy the photo of my office...

Reviews J.M. Has Written

Be Back by Sunrise, Justin's 2nd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Charming and poignant adventure!

Overall Recommendation:
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December 06, 2011
Hey Justin,
Here are my thoughts on the first 30 pgs. of your script.

Firstly, I love this idea. It is soo magical - good choice to make it flying as a bird.
I like the premise and thought it was original.
good opening (and foreshadowing) of having her Dad lift her up and fly her around.

Thought for the flying - maybe he's a pilot and has promised to take her flying when she's older or later or sometime like when she turns 13 for her birthday they would rent a plane. Something that can never be now.
Set up of Dad and her bond is really good and makes the loss even more poignant that it is.
You have two really good universal themes here - death of a parent and a magical world that she enters.
I thought of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

The graveyard scene is well done and the trauma of the family coping is well conveyed.
Could develop her not understanding death and what it really means more.

The Necklace - lovely description of it.
Not sure about it magically appearing - does she find it and think that it's from her Mom and runs out to thank her but when Mom she's writing on note she recoginzes it as Dad's? or does she hide it from Mom because she will want to know where she got it?

The Transformation into the bird is great, very magical.
You may want to add more emotion from Kallie in this. Is she scared, then delighted, does she freak out at first? think that she's dreaming? Does she get the idea that she can fly up to heaven (or whatever) to see her Dad?

Birds - good that she doesn't know how to act in this world and causes trouble unintentionally.
Might want to re-think the rhyming. How and when to use it eg. Just one bird and he only does it in certain circumstances eg. when he's frightened. Although I do see this could work really well in a kids picture book as it is funny.

Plot - does she see something in the bird world related to her dad that makes her want to get back there?
would tie this into the loss of Dad and how this is bird flying is helping her to cope.
Structure - is good. we meet and root for her. lots of emotion with subject of kids and family coping with death.
There are bad birds in the other world, so sense of danger I think probably becomes bigger.

This is a really charming story with lots of heart. Lots of potential for her to have experiences in the other world.
Might make her emotions bigger and swing abit as that's what kids her age 8 are like.
She seems a bit casual about all that's happening to her.
Anyways, I really enjoyed Kallie!
Hope you find this helpful.


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