At Amazon Studios

Connect

 
 
 
 

Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Big Ed Jamster's 1st Draft (Script 2)

4.0 stars
(1)
9 07/14/11

Weiss Acres Dave's 2nd Draft (Script 2)

5.0 stars
(1)
8 04/19/11

Stan Lee's Cup Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
4 11/30/10

Big Ed Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
8 11/28/10

Gift Bomb Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
5 11/28/10

Rube Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
6 11/28/10

PHAT Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
4 11/28/10

Screwball Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

5.0 stars
(1)
12 11/27/10

Last Stop Eden Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
3 11/27/10

Weiss Acres Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
2 11/27/10

Newfie, Come Home! Dave's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
3 11/27/10

Test Movies

Title Average Rating Plays/
Downloads
Date
Created

Weiss Acres Test Movie 4 - Dave's Flash Animation

No rating
14 05/01/11

Weiss Acres Test Movie 3 - Dave's Flash Animation

1.0 stars
(1)
74 04/19/11

About

Eight years ago screwball comedy and I found each other. It was a rewarding belly laugh. Funny funny, not funny rich.

Today I found out why. Philosopher Stanley Cavell noted that many classic screwball comedies turn on an interlude in the state of Connecticut (Bringing Up Baby, The Lady Eve, The Awful Truth). That's right. The Interlude State is NOT in any of my scripts!

Where on earth do I put Connecticut?
 

Reviews Dave Has Written

Big Ed, Jamster's 1st Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Revision on Right Track ...

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
August 02, 2011
Nice work, Jamster. Yes, your version is tighter. My original idea of using baseball flashbacks during the train trip -- to ground the viewer in the context of baseball 100 years ago -- may have run long. Baseball anecdotes are s-o-o-o addictive!

Of course, once Big Ed is bounced from the train ... is where I've taken an Oliver Stone-ian approach, boned up on the news articles and embellished as needed, plot-wise.

It's the train trip I believe where we'll keep or lose the viewer. It's vital to compare/contrast how the "lawlessness" of 1900s baseball factored into transforming Big Ed.

Our versions agree that the train trip is an effective vehicle to present the baseball events. The concern I have is if the baseball flashbacks are confusing the viewer or helping them? How to make the baseball flashbacks more seamless with the train trip, if possible? Your personalizing the events to Big Ed is a plus. Can we run with this ball further?

While I was trying to immerse the viewer in the baseball, you've sped up the story -- not a bad thing -- but I wonder if we've left the viewer alongside the tracks ... trying to piece it together?

Case in point ... in your version you eliminated the first flashback of Big Ed wishing he could chop up a long hit into singles. You began instead with the next flashback scene of Schmidt striking him out and claiming he (Schmidt) is the greatest pitcher. Does this lose something because we don't see Big Ed as the powerful batter first? (Video for video. Tête à tête.)

Or the next flashback where you deleted the scene of the fielder putting on green glasses to make the catch and Big Ed complaining that he's cheating, "... the next thing you know everybody will be wearing green glasses." I think this is key dialogue to point out how players bended the rules back then ... and of course a humorous comment ignorant of how the sport will eventually evolve.

We obviously need to make sure these flashbacks are all poignant, plot-driven moments that define baseball circa 1900, shed new light on Big Ed's character and advance the story. The first two we seem to be nailing -- it's the third that may need more work.

Maybe we need to tie the flashbacks to the present-day situation aboard the train better? Via Big Ed's dialogue? ... actions? ... narration perhaps?

Idea! I was just looking at the scene where Big Ed shatters the door on the train. This scene is immediately followed in my version by the outfielder with the green glasses catching Big Ed's fly ball. We could have the glass shattering aboard the train and then a cross-fade to a close-up of the green glasses. Bingo -- we're in Baseball Land. Maybe it's this surrealistic approach -- symbolic seques of identical or near-identical elements -- that will better marry our viewer to Big Ed's predicament and baseball's bygone days.

This approach works well in keeping with the story -- one that's psychologically driven during the train trip, including exposing Big Ed's suicidal tendencies.

Thinking aloud ... and thanks, Jamster, for your valuable input. Revisions are the necessary evil, aren't they? Because the story rules! ;O)

... Dave
 

The Popsicle Boneyard, Robert's Original Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Popsicle Boneyard Popped My Funny Bone!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 13, 2010
Great title! The logline made me laugh out loud. Funniest one I've seen yet in 1600 scripts.

Spoilers ahead! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Read the last 75 pages in an hour. 'Nuf said on the entertainment factor. You didn't disappoint, Robert. Hilarity reigns. Great gags, superb pacing, sharp seques. Most sex and laughs I've ever seen in the same place! If Caligula were a comedy ...

Sad to see Tommy die at the end however. It's a downer for all the laughs that rolled off the pages. Death is a tough sell in comedies unless you build it up like the singing heads in Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag ... or stifle it, like the dog that gets squashed by the falling piano in A Fish Called Wanda -- with nary a drop of blood at the scene.

But you're playing high stakes with explosive individuals, so the drama card won out. Understandable. I guess you're writing it off as an eye-for-an-eye, what with Tommy killing Gabe. Maybe ... have Gabe just suffer a nasty bump on the head ... the charges get trumped up to attempted murder ... and let Tommy live?

Homocides aside, an excellent script. You pushed the envelope. Expertly. As discussed in my previous review since quashed by this one, this subject is a Hollywood hot potato. Your slapstick manner could be just the impetus for some producer to flick this project's green light.

Good luck and thanks for the fun read!

... Dave
 

Algiers Point, Pa's Original Draft

1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Louisiana Lightning Paced!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 10, 2010
Patsy ...

Good stuff. I flew through the first 50 pages as the action and characters built at a pretty quick clip. I caught my breath and took some notes ...

Pg. 53 ... I was confused about Irina’s line where she says the winds will spread the plutonium eastward ... but in the same breath she says if “they” know it’s in the river they can find it before the container ruptures. Who’s they? The authorities or the other bad guys (gals)?

Pg. 54 ... I liked the stark symbolism of Irina saying, “... We will get justice.” Then the toilet flushes. Planned or accidental? ;O) You don’t have to say, Patsy. It’s there. That’s what counts!

Pg. 62 ... I’m curious about the significance of Annette leaving the five-dollar bill for her mother. Jack pays the bills, it’s a rich house ... so is this a pathetic gesture from Annette to prove her heart’s in the right place to escape being under Jack’s thumb ... as she tells her mother to "make it (the money) last"? If so, perhaps another line to help clarify?

Pg. 64 ... Just a technical point ... approximately how wide is the eye of the hurricane the Osprey is diving through?

Pg. 66 ... Blackie line, “You’re pretty hell bent on me doing the hitting. What is that?” It hits me as a little awkward. The line just needs to be played with a bit. I see your point. How else to say this?

Pg. 67 ... Excellent scene with Annette and homeless person. How many people sit down and have a conversationless cigarette with the like? Great contrast, dichotomy.

Pg. 69 ... Packing a bleeding wound with sugar? Neat. Cajun remedy?

Pg. 70 ... Did I miss something? When Blackie asks, “Did your ...” and Bo says, “No.” ... what was the question?

Pg. 70 Thank you for the Festus impersonation. Ya gotta like it!

Pg. 93 ... Nice ramping-up of tension with boy seeing dead body.

Pg. 102 ... Wounded Bo's encouraging words to wounded Tommy, “Won’t we, buddy?” Not bad. But could be better if Bo uses humor to ease the tension ... perhaps a quick shared anecdote/reference?

Pg. 103 ... Need to work in a tad more time to get that gator aboard the Osprey. It all happens so fast. How high off the ground is the cabin of the Osprey?

Pg. 106 ... You have Blackie grin at his fist after he hit Hedvige a second time. Shouldn’t he grin after the first time? The second time – I can’t believe I’m saying this – would come more naturally? Maybe he shrugs, like 'ya gotta do what ya gotta do'?

Pg. 111 ... I think we should see Blackie getting out of the Osprey. One minute he’s huddled up against the back of the pilot seat ... and the next time we see him he's tossing the bag of plutonium off the building. Or perhaps we could see him pull the bag out of the utility room. A couple of implied maneuvers and the “gap” of his movements suddenly seems too big.

All in all, a solid script. Your knowledge of the equipment (weapons, boats, planes, etc.) is impressive. The script is big-time action adventure and I found myself hooked into the all-female team of bandits ... reading quickly, waiting to see if you were going to go over the top with it.

By that, I mean until I knew the motivation for the female bandits, I was picturing a pack of feminists gone mad! For just that reason -- your keeping their motivation under wraps for so long -- makes the script a page-turner.

The fists and bullets keep flying, characters comfortably arc -- and collapse in corners! -- as you spin the regular world-threatening heist flick with an all-male team (occasionally with token female) on its ear. Good on you.

Big, big budget -- a.k.a. blockbuster these days ... Good luck with it!

... Dave Belisle
 

Favorite Movies

Rat Race
Kingpin
The Ref
Raising Arizona
Office Space
 

Influences

Woody Allen
Neil Simon
Jim Carrey
Robin Williams
Stephen King
 

Following

0 Projects

0 People